Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”

So what’s the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress? (Congress)

Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?