In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

  1. On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.” (Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

  2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (Evidently, the shoplifter special.)

  3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how…?)

  4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestions: Defrost.” (But it’s just a suggestion.)

  5. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): “Do not turn upside down.” (DOH! too late!)

  6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (As night follows the day…)

  7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (But wouldn’t this save even more time?)

  8. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

  9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (One would hope.)

  10. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (As opposed to what?)

  11. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (I gotta admit, I’m curious.)

  12. On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts.” (NEWS FLASH)

  13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

  14. On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

  15. On a Swedish chain saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? Good grief.)

  16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: “Do not use on food.” (Hey, Mom, we’re out of syrup! It’s okay honey just grab the Palmolive!)

  17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: “If swallowed contact poison control.” (Oh please. Have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)

  18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: “Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.” (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids.)